Building Our Children's Self-Esteem: Are Parents Sending Mixed Messages?
Most of us grew up with parents and other significant adults who denied the intensity or the very existence of our feelings. They would say, "You've no reason to be so upset," "It can't be that bad," or "You're making a mountain out of a mole-hill." For those of us who were raised in homes where emotions were considered to be the enemy and to be avoided at all cost, it is not surprising that feelings still are a mystery to us now that we ourselves have become parents.
Learning to respond empathically to our children's emotions is critical in helping kids to feel lovable and competent, which are the two components to high self-esteem. One of our goals as parents is to help children know how they feel, and to teach them appropriate ways of expressing those feelings. But what do we do if we aren't 100 percent comfortable with our own feelings?
The first step in helping our children learn about their feelings is simple: We need to listen to and accept their feelings. This sounds great on paper, of course, but the trouble is that in practice parents often do the exact opposite. Instead we say things like, "There's nothing to be afraid of." "You're just overly tired." "You're just in a bad mood because you're hungry."
We say these things because we think we are being helpful. But in reality we have the opposite effect. These phrases, and others like them, actually belittle and deny what our children are feeling. And denial, if repeated often enough, has a couple of surefire consequences. First of all, it infuriates our kids. And worse, it teaches them not only that they cannot believe their feelings, but that somebody knows how they feel better than they do.
Children can't help what they feel. The world of feelings is new to them, and they are continually flooded with strong emotions of all kinds. By acknowledging and accepting kids' feelings, we help them explore and define their emotions in a way that strengthens their sense of personal validity and self-worth. When we deny their feelings, it inevitably backfires on us. Our kids feel misunderstood and discounted. The feelings they are struggling to express and understand, if denied, may then be repressed and resurface in some other, less healthy way.
Speaking the language of empathy is a learned skill that most of us were not taught in our own childhoods. It takes time, lots of patience, and practice, practice, practice to be able to acknowledge and accept our children's feelings. But the outcome is well worth our effort. To feel is to be real. What a wonderful gift we give our children when we teach them to accept and respect their emotions.